Superstitions and Escargot
by TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds
Summary: She should have known…she should have listened instead of scoffing…opening an umbrella inside was indeed bad luck. ShunsuiXNanao, On a date. In Paris. What could go wrong? Uh yeah, don't ask...Paris, the city of love. Oneshot. Request from Pickering. Hope you like it lovie. *No snails or mini-octopi were harmed in the making of this fic*. It is not quite a crackfic.


**ShunNao request for Pickering. Love you dearie. **

"No, no, no! You moron! Stop moving!" she shrieked, "how do we get out of this?"

Dark eyes regarded the situation and looked down at what easily had to be a thousand foot drop, give or take a few hundred. "Well…" he scratched his head, she shrieked as the rope swung, "sorry…looks like we're gonna have to jump"

"I am NOT jumping," she glowered at him, "Shunsui Kyoraku, you got us up here, now get us down…WITHOUT killing us"

Shunsui regarded the scene with a lazy, sweeping glance. He and his lovely date, Nanao Ise had somehow ended up dangling from a five foot long rope from the top of the Eiffel Tower. It had started out as a romantic date, dinner at Le Fleur de Lis and a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower. While they were looking out at the beautiful Paris skyline…well, it involved escargot that wasn't totally dead, a miniature live octopus and several penguin-esque waiters scrabbling for a champagne bottle.

Fortunately, an onlooker had tossed a rope as they went over the side. Where he had pulled it from, Shunsui didn't know…and judging by the fact that it smelled like a fruity lubricant, Shunsui didn't think he wanted to know…or maybe he did…but that's beside the point. Shunsui had managed to heroically grab it and his screaming date as she plummeted past him. Now, she was clinging to his back as if her life depended on it…which it did.

"Don't worry my lovely Nanao-chan," he smiled, "your Shunsui will save you!" he gently tugged the rope, testing it's durability. Unfortunately, climbing up it would fray it, he couldn't climb down it because five feet of rope, while ridiculously long to be carrying around, is not long enough to reach the Paris ground safely. Several of the gendarmerie* were crowded around the base of tower, equally baffled. In the very expert opinion of Shunsui Kyoraku, they looked like little ants. Shunsui lifted a hand to wave at them and Nanao shrieked, clinging to him tighter. "We could always go parachuting," he smiled brightly, "I'm sure my jacket would pick up the current quite nicely"

"You're going to kill us," Nanao groaned. She had **_FINALLY_**accepted her captain's offer of a date at the encouraging of her friend, who coincidentally was one of Shunsui's best friends and recently married to their other best friend, but that too is beside the point. She should have known…she should have listened instead of scoffing…opening an umbrella inside was indeed bad luck…

_"My lovely Nanao!" Shunsui sang loudly through the division. She cringed, like every day. And like every day, Shunsui would spend half an hour looking for her before he found her where she always was: in the office, and like every day, he would come bearing some ridiculously extravagant gift, once it was two dozen red roses, once a very expensive pink diamond necklace and another time a box of chocolate that she swore weighed as much as she did and inevitably ask her to diner. She would thank him perfunctorily (because really, they were nice gifts and it is in bad taste to disparage a gift, turn down the date and show him to the stack of paperwork awaiting him and like every day, he would find yet another way to avoid it._

_Today was no different. As Nanao sat in her office she heard the telltale signs of Captain Kyoraku's presence. She braced herself and prepared her trademarked statement. Only this time when the door opened, instead of the usual flurry of pink, she saw a flurry of red. At first she thought it was more roses, but the color was off. "Nanao, just say yes," ah, so it wasn't roses. It was hair. Curly hair to be exact. And lots of it. Nanao realized why she assumed it was roses, she had never seen Captain Kushira Hikamara-Ukitake with her hair loose. "It's getting a wee bit annoying listening to him mope every time you turn him down," the captain of the Ninth was very opinionated today. She settled in front of Nanao's desk and fixed her with a stare, "I doubt you'd regret it, really," she cajoled, "he's a good man and he means well…and if the date is a disaster, then tell him and he'll probably back off"_

_Nanao gave the older woman a (respectfully) disbelieving stare. "Captain Kyoraku, backing off?" Nanao shook her head, "that will happen the day he lifts a pen to do paperwork or comes into the office sober," she sighed and bent her head to focus on her paperwork ignoring the plaintive wails of 'Nanao-chan, come out, come out wherever you are lovely Nanao-chan'._

_Kushira made a noise. Nanao couldn't be certain whether it was amusement, exasperation, annoyance or a combination of them. "Just say yes. What's the worst that could happen?"_

_That should have been the first warning: when someone says 'what's the worst that could happen' the universe usually delivers._

_Alas, Nanao didn't pick up on that. She sighed, "if I say yes and the date goes horribly, will you promise he won't ask me out again?"_

_"Cross my heart and hope to live," Kushira made an X over the left side of her body and an X with her fingers behind her back._

_Nanao sighed in defeat, "alright. Just this once," Kushira's green eyes brightened._

_"Good girl," she smiled warmly. Nanao sighed. The two people she could never say no to and keep a clean conscience about it, just HAD to go and get married. Shunsui burst into the room carrying…an umbrella? No, not just any umbrella, a very expensive-looking light pink lace parasol. She had read about parasols in one of her books. Young ladies from western culture carried lacy parasols, not unlike the traditional Japanese wagasa**. The idea had always been cherished by the secretly-hidden-under-deadbolts-surrounded-by-more -deadbolts-and-locks-with-the-key-thrown-into-rive r romantic part of Nanao Ise. _

_"My lovely Nanao-chan!" he said, grinning his inane pumpkin grin that she was torn between wanting to smack off his face with a heavy tome or kiss it off. "I brought you a lovely, lovely gift for our date tonight!" Kushira made herself scarce. It was unbelievable how well that woman could blend into the wallpaper what with her glaringly obvious red hair. "You will go with me won't you?"_

_Green eyes flickered expectantly and Nanao got the distinct feeling they had planned this. She sighed, "fine Captain Kyoraku," she said in resignation, "I will accompany you on a date tonight, but if it does not go well you must promise never to ask again"_

_Shunsui grinned, "cross my heart and hope to live," he mimicked Kushira's earlier actions, including crossing his fingers behind his back. "You will not be sorry!" he presented her with the parasol. _

_Nanao graciously accepted the gift and her curiosity got the better of her. She opened it to examine it. She heard a feminine gasp. "Close it!" Kushira widened her eyes. Nanao obeyed, slightly alarmed by the worry in the green orbs._

_"What's wrong Captain Hikamara?" Nanao asked._

_Kushira settled back in her position. "Don't you know it's bad luck to open umbrellas indoors?"_

_Nanao almost laughed. One of the oldest captains of the Gotei 13 panicked because of an old superstition? "Oh captain," she shook her head, "I don't believe in those superstitions," the green eyes were still troubled and she bit her lip._

_"Don't say I didn't warn you," she said, "I'll leave you two to finalize your date," she smiled brightly, "have fun!" in addition to blending into wallpaper, she was also apparently quite adept at disappearing. Once the date was 'finalized', Nanao nearly keeled over in shock when Shunsui actually sat down to do paperwork._

_"Captain?" she asked tentatively, "are you ill?"_

_"Of course not lovely," his brow furrowed in confusion, "why would you ask that?"_

_"Because you're doing paperwork…actual __**paperwork**__…do you need to see Captain Unohana?"_

_Shunsui's deep, warm laughter filled the office and Nanao chastised her heart for fluttering. "I'm flattered that you're so concerned," he smiled lazily, "but the sooner the paperwork gets done, the sooner we can get to our date," he turned back to the papers, leaving Nanao stunned._

_"Are you going to start the paperwork?" he enquired teasingly. His response was a book to the head and he smiled. Normalcy._

_… … …_

The date itself had been everything Nanao could ever want and more. With the both of them having finished their paperwork, they were able to leave early. Shunsui swore the date was a surprise.

Nanao had been utterly delighted when the senkaimon deposited them in Paris, France. Of course, this was Shunsui Kyoraku she was on a date with, she should have expected as much. They arrived later in the afternoon and had gone everywhere, they had visited the Louvre and the Arc du Triomphe. At Nanao's request they visited the Bibliothèque de l'Arsenal. They had dinner at a small café overlooking the Seine. Nanao, much to her horror, realized the date was so far, perfect. Their plan was to end the night with a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

That should have been the second warning (third if you're superstitious, which before tonight, Nanao was not): if things are too perfect, life is just waiting to serve a pile of screw-up with a side of snickering schadenfreude.

Someone had decided to hold a reception at the top of the tower. Which is where the penguin-esque waiters came in. With their little suits all pressed and their bowties straight and their noses (which ranged from long and pointed upward, to squashed and distinctly tomato-like…cherry tomatoes to be more exact). The penguin waiters were hurrying around with little trays of escargot...err, well, it was _supposed _to be escargot…some of the snails weren't quite escargone yet. Which led to a lady wearing a coat that made her butt look big shrieking bloody murder, several penguin waiters spilling their bottles of champagne in alarm and making a very slippery floor. No one was quite certain where the mini octopus came from, but he was currently cowering in the corner, having been kicked there earlier.

Which is how we found the couple in the beginning of the story: dangling from a rope one thousand feet above the ground with little gendarmerie antpeople at the base of the tower.

"You looked lovely tonight by the way Nanao," Shunsui said conversationally. Had he been able to see her face he would have seen the disbelief at the fact he was complimenting, quite calmly, her appearance _while they were dangling to their doom_.

"Any ideas how we get out of this?" Shunsui asked, "my arms are getting tired"

Nanao gulped and looked around. They couldn't change out of their gigais without Soul Candy, which they usually had on them, but Nanao's purse was a thousand feet below. "I don't know," she frowned. Shunsui's gaze panned over the latticework building.

"Hold on tightly lovely," he murmured.

"What are you-aaaaAHHH!" Nanao shrieked as Shunsui released the rope. A collective gasp arose from the horrified onlookers.

With one arm, Shunsui grabbed tightly to one of the lattice bars and pulled Nanao around so she was safely pressed against his chest. He swung onto a platform with which he could easily ascend or descend the stairs. She was trembling. Shaking actually. Rather violently too. "You stupid-mmm," he kissed her to shut her up.

Pulling away, her violet eyes were slightly unfocused, "remind to be mad at you for that later," she murmured. He grinned and kissed her again.

"Gladly"

EPILOGUE? NAH

A week had passed since that fateful date. The everyday routines had changed_ eversoslightly_. Now, Shunsui would bound into the office with his extravagant gifts and ask.

"Where would you like to go tonight lovely Nanao-chan?"

To which, he would take a book to the face, followed by a sweet kiss and the new trademark answer.

"Anywhere. As long as it's not someplace high"

... ... ...

***gendarmerie are the French police...sorta...they're actually military personnel charged with police duties in civilian populations.**

****wagasa are the strange little Japanese paper umbrellas (or so Google says) **

**A/N: I don't normally care whether anyone reviews my stories or not (usually not)...they're just dumped here to keep from cluttering my hard drive...but I'd kinda appreciate feedback on this one. It was a new style for me and my attempt at humor borderlining satire/crack. **

**And yes, I have never been to the Eiffel Tower I'vebeen to Paris but avoided it like the plague (I'm deathly terrified of big, tall structures especially electrical posts, cell towers etc.) but as I was informed, you can't fall out...but this is the Bleach universe and anything can happen.**

**Thank you kindly.**


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